There's an insect in your ear...

Dear Mr. Producer of the Office,

I wish to come sit at your feet and learn how to make such an outstanding television program. It was not enough for you to simply put the best comedy on air (you have the Emmy to prove it); instead, you decided to push the envelope. To the TV amateur that I am, I would subscribe to the thinking that the public wants to see new episodes of the Office. But you are too smart for that. In a clever ploy, you have decided to run an entire month of old episodes. You did not succumb to the tyranny of the masses which would like to see new episodes. You know what the people want better than they do. It is a genius strategy executed flawlessly. By not making new episodes, you save on labor cost while still raking up the money in advertising. You also know that because of your superb plot lines that the vast majority of the viewers will continue to tune in! You win on all fronts. Way to stick it to the people!

Sincerely,

Andrew M. Tuegel
Congressional Intern

Today was a pretty exciting day around the Hill. It was the last day until Congress is in recess for two weeks. Also, President Bush was in the Capitol to present the Congressional Gold Medal to the Tuskegee Airmen. When El Presidente graces us with his presence, security at the Capitol goes from extremely tight to Stalinesque. I had the misfortune giving a tour to a bunch of rich folks from Midland. Let me provide a little backstory. I have a love/hate relationship with people from Midland. By that, I mean I love to hate them. I do not know when it started, but it was probably back in junior high when Midland Trinity stomped us every year in football. I do realize that I just threw out a blanket statement out people from Midland and I do have exceptions. I thoroughly enjoy all my ACU friends from Midland, the camp people from Midland, and Mr. Steve Green. But I do hold particular disdain for the stuck-up Midland elite, which are comparable to the Alamo Heights and Highland Parkers of the world. This morning was a terrible time to give a tour, but it was not my office who scheduled it, so I really had no grounds to object. I was simply loaned out to Mr. Conaway's office. I led a group of about 12 around in the few rooms of the Capitol that were open. Most of the group was great, nice even, but two ladies particularly irked me. One told me that she had missed out on everything today. This was right after Mr. Conaway had given them a short behind the scenes tour of the Capitol. The other happend when we ran out of time and did not make it in the gallery. This lady threw a fit, complaining that "it wasn't fair," loudly stomping her feet. Somehow this 80 year old woman (I would guess 80 because botox can only do so much) had made it her entire life thinking that life was fair. She is right though, it was not fair that she did not make it in the Capitol gallery and a billion people did not have access to clean water today. And let's not even mention health care. I am going on a crusade to make sure no rich, pompous old woman has to miss the gallery because she has to go to her $30 a plate lunch before her guided tour of the White House. That is truly an injustice!

A few things before I finish. The Midland story ends with Mr. Conaway cancelling his flight tonight so he can come back and give the group a personal complete tour of the Capitol, with stops at the Speaker's balcony, the Speaker's lobby, and the floor. What an outrage! The next story is PG-13 rated, so all of my small children readers should avert their eyes. I saw the most bizarre protest on the Capitol lawn today. A group had gathered and displayed large banners against...wait for it...wait for it...circumcision. The signs claimed that it was torture and caused lack of sensation. I was completely suprised that someone was against circumcision. But I was more suprised that a professional sign company had actually made their banners. I bet there were some non-publishable jokes exchanged in that office. I always thought that things like electro-shock therapy and waterboarding were torture and ended sensation, but apparently circumcision is equally as vicious. Today I wore my black suit with a blue shirt (a different one from yesterday. I got up early this morning and ironed) with a purple tie with blue check thingys.

Sir Drinks-a-lot came in about 9 totally hammered. He was escorted by a girl who apparently only came in to make sure he made it home unscathed. She quickly left, and he stumbled back to my room to whine about how terrible his day was. Feeling himself inch closer to sobriety, he staggered out towards the bar down the block. A lesser man would have given up for the night, but Sir Drinks-a-lot soldiers on. We should all aspire to be so brave. However, in a startling moment of clarity, he did confess to being "a pathetic drunk." In light of his admission, I am going to need more words that describe being drunk. Thusfar I have used pissed and hammered, so please submit new ones ASAP as Sir Drinks-a-lot guzzles everything with an alcohol content in the greater DC area.

Congratulations to Miss Amy Tuegel for winning yesterday's song of the day contest. Also, thanks to Cheryl Green for commenting again on this space. Cheryl, to answer your question, Mint Chocolate Chip is my favorite flavor, but I do not know where I am going to fit it in between consuming spicy salsa, queso, and lots of cold milk. Finally, Sir Drinks-a-lot just stumbled in (it's 9:58), complaining that the bar would not serve him because he appeared intoxicated (really? I wouldn't have guess that). Undetered, he quickly pops open a can of Miller Lite. Well played Sir Drinks-a-lot, well played. That's all for tonight...